The “No” Test

It’s now April 2019, which means it’s been over 3 years since I officially left the lion, and almost 3 years since I left Japan.

There is a lot of stumbling, but I am most definitely moving forward. I’ve come a long way, but there is always room for ‘improvement’ (however you choose to define that).

It’s kind of exciting that I am interested in someone. He’s at least somewhat interested in me too, but I don’t know if I can handle a relationship. I still don’t like being touched, I still panic about things, and I am still very distrustful of people – especially men.

I’ve known him for 4 years, but we’ve only met in person 3 times.

Last fall, he messaged me to ask if I’d be interested in working with/for him, in a rural town in Japan. I thought about it everyday for months (literally). There were many reasons why I wanted to, but also many reasons why I knew it would be risky. My body started to shut down last year when I started working full time. What if that happens again? What if I can’t handle the amount of socializing that I would need to do? What if something happens and I needed to leave the job and community? I had a lot of questions for myself, for him, and for no one in particular.

We met up last month so I could get a feel for the community and the potential job. For me, I was also there to test him and test myself. I need to know that this man is safe. I need to know that he won’t try to control me, that he won’t try hurt me in any way.

In a sense, I feel badly because I have countless tests that he needs to pass. If anything, I’m looking for reasons not to trust him. (But so far, he’s exceeded my expectations.)

This is where the ‘no’ test comes in. I didn’t realize it had a label until today, but it makes complete sense. How do you spot a controller/abuser early? Change your mind or say ‘no’ and see how they react.

I said two pretty big ‘no’s to him. Firstly, ‘no’ to physical contact. He leaned in for a kiss, and when I realized it would be more than just one, I couldn’t. Sorry; cannot. Maybe next time, but not now. Nope. He stopped and was actually respectful about it. No anger, no resentment. About a week later, I told him that I wouldn’t apply for the position he’d talked to me about. He seemed a bit disappointed, but said for the second or third time that it was most important that I felt certain about it, that I needed to make the right decision for me.

The confidence boost that these situations gave me has been incredible. My energy and motivation, my ability to complete tasks and even sleep at night, has increased exponentially.

The road ahead is still long, but the ‘no’ test is just one of many ways that we can protect our future selves, friends, and family, from being trampled on.

I recommend listening to this Australian radio program called Focus, where Rob Andrew, the domestic violence counsellor who named this test, talks about it with the host, and you also hear from survivors and other callers who have questions.