“Practice”

Before I begin, let me reiterate that abuse is never the fault of the victim. This does not change.

As a child, I often felt that I needed to sacrifice for my younger siblings. I was responsible for helping my parents because I was the oldest child. I had to help look after the younger ones. If things went wrong – someone cried, someone got hurt – it was always my fault. Why? I’m the big sister.

About half way through high school, I began to really fall for Jack. First we were good friends, but then I wanted more and he said didn’t even though he really cared about me. I was “more wife material than girlfriend material”. I can’t express how painful it was to hear this, along with his decision to date a close friend of mine, while still keeping me close. I couldn’t express my pain, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I developed unhealthy eating habits, I injured myself, I cried, I couldn’t sleep. My father was the only one who noticed my injuries and said something to me.

Two years later, I purposefully attended a different university from Jack, determined to meet people who didn’t know high school me. I met Mike and within a few months we started dating. Jack wasn’t pleased; he started dating someone too. Mike was my first boyfriend and cared about me more than I ever thought someone could. We were together for 6 years. I was content, but not happy. He was emotionally heavy; he didn’t inspire me. He clung to me and our relationship, even when I tried to let go. I didn’t want to hurt him, so I gave in and stayed… Until I couldn’t any longer.

Jack and I had been close the whole time. I was with Mike, and Jack with his girlfriend. They were even living together.

I was sick of being weighed down, I was sick of putting off the move to Japan that I’d been dreaming about since before my teens.

I finished school, got a job, left Mike, and left Canada. A few months later, Jack and his girlfriend went their separate ways. Jack still thought I’d come back to him.

In Japan, I learned many cultural differences the hard way. But, “when in Rome…”

I don’t like conflict, I’ve spent a lot of time disliking myself, and I’m used to putting energy toward keeping others happy.

I’d spent a lot of time “practicing” for the lion. Ironically, it was the lion who finally helped me realize Jack had been manipulating me this whole time. By then, 12 years had passed since it had all started. He’d always kept me close enough, but not too close. I may never know if Jack knew what he was doing. I do however, know that he’s still exhibiting the same behaviours to other women. He and I haven’t been in touch for 4 or 5 years. He’d abandoned our “friendship” when I needed a friend the most.

Abuse can happen to anyone, anywhere. Abuse knows no boundaries.

Victims are never at fault.

In my case, I’d “practiced” for many years and had a decently high threshold for ill treatment. Isn’t that how people who care about you treat you? Aren’t I getting what I deserve?

The answer is ‘no’.

My personal conclusion has been that some people show signs of being “easy prey”. So others may be less likely to experience abuse. But it can happen to anyone. When I met the lion, I was content with my life, with how things were going. I was proud of what I was doing.

Ironically, I have unresolved anger toward Jack, yet I’ve forgiven the lion. I pity Mike. I have positive and negative memories from spending time with each of them.

The biggest difference today is that I know the warning signs, and I don’t have patience for people who exhibit any red flags. But most importantly, I value myself in a way I never did before.

(Originally drafted in 2017)