The “No” Test

It’s now April 2019, which means it’s been over 3 years since I officially left the lion, and almost 3 years since I left Japan.

There is a lot of stumbling, but I am most definitely moving forward. I’ve come a long way, but there is always room for ‘improvement’ (however you choose to define that).

It’s kind of exciting that I am interested in someone. He’s at least somewhat interested in me too, but I don’t know if I can handle a relationship. I still don’t like being touched, I still panic about things, and I am still very distrustful of people – especially men.

I’ve known him for 4 years, but we’ve only met in person 3 times.

Last fall, he messaged me to ask if I’d be interested in working with/for him, in a rural town in Japan. I thought about it everyday for months (literally). There were many reasons why I wanted to, but also many reasons why I knew it would be risky. My body started to shut down last year when I started working full time. What if that happens again? What if I can’t handle the amount of socializing that I would need to do? What if something happens and I needed to leave the job and community? I had a lot of questions for myself, for him, and for no one in particular.

We met up last month so I could get a feel for the community and the potential job. For me, I was also there to test him and test myself. I need to know that this man is safe. I need to know that he won’t try to control me, that he won’t try hurt me in any way.

In a sense, I feel badly because I have countless tests that he needs to pass. If anything, I’m looking for reasons not to trust him. (But so far, he’s exceeded my expectations.)

This is where the ‘no’ test comes in. I didn’t realize it had a label until today, but it makes complete sense. How do you spot a controller/abuser early? Change your mind or say ‘no’ and see how they react.

I said two pretty big ‘no’s to him. Firstly, ‘no’ to physical contact. He leaned in for a kiss, and when I realized it would be more than just one, I couldn’t. Sorry; cannot. Maybe next time, but not now. Nope. He stopped and was actually respectful about it. No anger, no resentment. About a week later, I told him that I wouldn’t apply for the position he’d talked to me about. He seemed a bit disappointed, but said for the second or third time that it was most important that I felt certain about it, that I needed to make the right decision for me.

The confidence boost that these situations gave me has been incredible. My energy and motivation, my ability to complete tasks and even sleep at night, has increased exponentially.

The road ahead is still long, but the ‘no’ test is just one of many ways that we can protect our future selves, friends, and family, from being trampled on.

I recommend listening to this Australian radio program called Focus, where Rob Andrew, the domestic violence counsellor who named this test, talks about it with the host, and you also hear from survivors and other callers who have questions.

The final messages from him

On Sunday April 17, 2016, I received the last messages from the lion.

11:12am: “hello Kokoro, can you please stop ignoring me for a few minutes so that we can figure out what’s best to do?”

2:44pm: “Ok so… Since I absolutely don’t know what to do, I asked Kei for some advice… Hope you don’t mind, but without you telling me what you would like me to do I don’t see any other solution. Bye”

He’d been messaging me for months about what we were going to do, or what I wanted him to do, but there was nothing more to say. I wanted him to be safe and do his work. I wanted me to be safe too. These things either didn’t make sense to him or didn’t constitute as answers to him, since my sentiments were ignored. He continued to ask the same questions.

The day I received these messages, Kei and I had gone to visit Audrey and her daughter, Aisha. I saw the second message while I was babysitting. Audrey and Kei had stepped out to pick up snacks for us all. I didn’t have long to wait for them to come home, and when I informed them of what happened, Kei checked her phone to find the message from him.

She read it out loud.

“Hi Kei, hope I find you good. Was great to see Shun [her partner] again and as I told him, if you don’t mind it would be great to see you too at some point. Sadly the situation is extremely complicated right now and I don’t know what to do to make things better for everybody. Honestly I’m actually desperate about that. You’ve been a great help and a kind ear for me at some point, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. It’s been a while I have wanted to talk to you and to ask you for some advice, but since I wanted to leave some space to Kokoro I prevented myself from doing it. Maybe it was yet another stupid mistake, and maybe right now is the worst moment for it. If so I’m deeply sorry for that. Well… that’s about it. Basically I’d love to talk with you at some pint if you have a bit of time or space for me, and I’m sorry for bothering you. Thank you for everything, have a good day.”

By the time she finished reading this, she was fuming. She was so angry she was shaking. She’d never been so angry.

Kei and Audrey decided they needed a drink. Together, they drank and composed a response to the lion. They wrote, swore, rewrote, laughed, swore, cried, drank some more, swore, and edited again. I played with Aisha during most of that time, sometimes listening to the rage, sometimes watching them talk, laugh, cry, drink, and write. This continued for about three hours until they were properly drunk, and had sent the response. We all hugged and cried.

I was supposed to go home to my own apartment that night (I’d been living at Kei’s), but after this, I wasn’t allowed. I had dirty laundry in my backpack that Audrey washed for me. It was agreed that Shun would escort me to work the next morning and Kei would pick me up by car in the evening. This continued for a few days, and even during the day, I didn’t leave the safety of the locked doors at work alone.

I felt so loved. I left like I was protected by a pack of wolves. It was totally new to me.

On the train heading home from Audrey’s, Kei was still drunk. Part way back, she got sick. Luckily, I had a plastic bag and a few towelettes. I had them ready to go, only to find out the bag had a hole in it. Laughing, I pulled out another plastic bag – it was pink, and came with a golden twist-tie – from my collection of random things in my backpack. I got Kei’s hands and jeans cleaned, the floor of the train all cleaned, and her vomit wrapped in the pink bag, closed off with the golden twist-tie. It looked like a gift. Once everything was out of her system, Kei was fine, and we got off the train laughing, threw out the bag, and walked back to her apartment as if nothing had happened.

It was a crazy day, but a very important day for me. I have a photo of Audrey and Kei, their heads back from laughing, sitting at Audrey’s dining table as they drink and compose the message they sent the lion. It’s a great photo.

Things I’m grateful to the lion for

I tend to talk about negative things, but in keeping with the warm fuzzies of the holiday season and our new-found love of turning everything into lists, I present to you 5 things that I’m grateful to the lion for.

1. An opportunity to understand the depth and power of friendship

I’ve always been blessed with good people in my life. But, around the time I left the lion and started sharing with my corner of the world what had been going on, I was dumbfounded by the magnitude of the power of friendship. It was almost like seeing colour for the first time. There is so much beauty in black and white, but it’s just not the same. These people stood up for me, they housed me, they fought for me, they checked up on me, they fed me, they helped me move, they asked me how I was doing, they gave so much and asked for nothing in return. They loved me at my lowest. They were, and still are, consistently there for me. They don’t even seem to understand how much of a mark they left on me and on my life. I have redefined friendship because of these people. Words can never fully express how grateful I am, not only for what they did, but also simply for being in my life.

If I’d never met the lion, would I have had this same opportunity to learn about the depth and power a friendship can have? …It’s possible, but at least for now, I doubt it.

2. Rediscovering who I am at my core

I’ve experienced a few identity crises so far in my life, but this was… yeah, it was up there. He started to redefine who I was. I lost interest in travel – perhaps my biggest love – among a number of other things. I dwindled down to a meaningless mass of shit. And yet, I found the strength to pick up and start moving forward. It’s taken time, but I’ve been able to rediscover who I really am, thanks to him. I work hard, I am kind, I do love traveling and music. Singing is my outlet, my sanity. I value my family and friends. I would do anything to protect my sisters. I tend to put the needs of others before mine (I’m learning to better balance this). I am a feminist and I believe in equity – as compared to equality. I feel strongly about human rights. I love learning. I am Japanese-Canadian. This is who I am, and this is how I’ll always be. Every time my world goes bleak, these things keep coming back.

3. Lighting a fire

He let the gas leak, slowly but surely, for over a year. It got pretty tough and I couldn’t breathe, but then I reached for a match, lit it, and blew it up. That lit a fire within me. To be fair, the explosion happened very slowly. But. It happened, and here I am. I’m on fire. It’s sometimes so quiet I barely notice it, but other times, the flames of determination engulf me. He put me down for not teaching him Japanese the way he wanted me to. He put me down for not learning French the way he wanted me to. He put me down for being ‘a stupid North American’ (we, in North America have no history, we don’t learn history, politics or anything apparently). He put me down for a lot of things. But now, I want to show him. I never will, but if this voice of his that lingers in my head will shut up and I can be proud of what I’ve accomplished – because I chose to do it, then it’s all worth it. I am not stupid. I am not useless. I am not helpless. I am not hopeless. I can learn – about politics, about history, about science, about coding. I can, and will, learn French. Because I’ve wanted to since I was a child. Since way before I knew him. Think I can’t do it? Watch me.

4. Setting the stage for association

I’ve become interested in, attended events, and met people that I may never have, were it not for my experiences with the lion. I’ve had the chance to talk to or reconnect with people who I may not have – at least in the way we did – were it not for him. Of course he wouldn’t have meant for any of this, but what happened and what I learned from my experiences has given me opportunities to be associated with people and things that I may not have otherwise. This blog and all that I’m learning as I construct each post, all the incredible messages of support I’ve received, the amazing therapists I have, resources that exist for those who have experienced abuse, the ability to comprehend people and situations… I wouldn’t have met my therapists, I wouldn’t have learned about resources for survivors, I wouldn’t have searched for statistics on women’s health, trauma, or resilience, I wouldn’t have read about patterns of abuse, types of abuse… My life would have been different without these people and this knowledge. And no, I don’t regret any of it.

5. The chance to be kind and understanding

Being kind and understanding isn’t always easy. Sometimes being strict, brutally honest, or setting rules and boundaries are aspects of kindness. When people have had painful experiences, they’re more likely to be able to understand someone going through a similar storm. Note how I say “more likely to be able to”, because it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes there’s too much pain to be empathetic. Sometimes you just can’t handle hearing a similar story. It happens. Some people can’t face their trauma and instead of healing, they take their anger out on others. There’s always variation in human reaction. When we hear stories, when we read stories, when we share stories, at least we have the chance, the choice, the opportunity to be emotionally available, empathetic and supportive. I’m constantly searching for more resources, more ways to understand what happened and why, and what can be done in the future to prevent, protect, and spread awareness to us all.

I was told recently, “Be kind, but also to yourself”. I really need this sometimes, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who needs to be reminded to be kind to ourselves too. Being kind to myself sometimes takes the shape of telling others to back off and leave me alone. Sometimes it takes the shape of a delicious, whole-milk latte from a friendly little neighbourhood café. Sometimes it takes the shape of taking a stroll down memory lane, allowing myself to react however I need to, and sending love and gratitude to the people I hold most dear. There are many ways to be kind to all the entities that exist around us, including people, animals, and the environment. There are also many ways that we can be kind, loving, and forgiving to ourselves. And in doing so, I think we move – even if it’s in baby steps – toward healing, hope, and confidence.