“Why didn’t you just leave?”

I’ve been lucky – I don’t recall anyone asking me this awful question.

If you’re tempted to ask someone, don’t.

To leave or not to leave? That is not the question. That’s just not how it works.

Reading and researching helped me understand and better explain the situation to myself, often because I hadn’t had the patience or grace (and often still don’t) to sit down and try to show someone (who often just won’t get it) how it’s not that simple. I haven’t been able to let myself be walked on by insensitive people. I haven’t had the strength to stay calm and collected while I describe what it’s like to someone who isn’t able to try on someone else’s shoes, let alone walk a mile in them.

Within a few months of leaving him, I stumbled across an article, Why I stayed in an Abusive Relationship for 11 Years, I watched a TED Talk, Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave, and they helped me put words to my murky, tangled emotions. A few months after that, I found, read, and then purchased a book: It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence. These and other readings helped me define ‘abuse’, and realize that yes, it had been bad. It helped me understand what had happened from a less emotional, and more academic perspective, which helped me a lot. And on top of that, I wasn’t the only one. It was a relief and also a horror. How many of us are out there?

What happened between the lion and I could’ve been worse, but there’s not much of a benefit thinking about it that way. Shouldn’t we all expect to be in abuse-free relationships with both ourselves and with those around us? The obvious answer is yes, but for some, it’s not so simple.

We stay for many different reasons.

Here’s a compiled list of 10 reasons why they didn’t leave.

In my case, the lion and I were both expats and he didn’t have the same access to the local language and culture as I did. I needed to help him with the mail, paying bills, doctor’s appointments. He was stressed because his work wasn’t going the way he wanted it to. I wasn’t being a good enough partner, so a lot of his stress and frustration was my fault. I was the only one he could rely on. If I pulled my weight, things would be better. He promised to never hit me again after my black eye – a promise he actually kept. He was getting depressed, and sometimes suicidal. He needed help. I had to be there for him. We had talked multiple times about building a life together. I had committed to him, I couldn’t just abandon him. Even if I did leave him, no one would want me anyway. I wasn’t worth much of anything. My life with him was familiar, it was normal. Besides, I loved him. What would he do if I left? Who would he turn to? How would he deal with his frustration and stress?

Was I even worth ‘saving’ from this situation anyway?

But, after breaking up and getting back together twice, leave him I did.