“Your best friend will always hate your ex more than you do”
I was just waking up, but I couldn’t help but laugh a little to myself. Still groggy and sleep-deprived, I sent it to Kei, who also appreciated it. Ah, what a great person to have in my life.
We use it pretty readily, but it’s a strong word if you think about it.
Do I hate the lion? Nah. Have I ever? Mmm, I don’t think so.
In fact, I don’t really remember ever being really angry at him. I’ve been afraid, I’ve been confused, frustrated… but I don’t think anger has really been there. Anger turned inward is one thing, but anger toward him? Not that I can think of. Not consciously, at least.
There was a short time though, when I was honestly very afraid of my own behaviour. I was worried that I may have a sudden outburst where I hurt the lion. What if I end up in an uncontrollable rage? What if I hurt him? …What if I kill him? It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but I didn’t feel in control of myself. It was a serious concern at the time.
I had left him at this point, but we still worked in the same small building, only a floor or two apart. We had a lot of common friends and acquaintances. He sometimes left things at my door. I don’t remember how much we were talking, but it couldn’t have been very often.
After becoming afraid of myself and what I may or may not be capable of doing, I sought the wisdom of my therapist. She’s a godsend. Her wings may not be visible, but for all of my needs and concerns, she’s been an angel in my life.
I told her about these very real fears I had. I didn’t know why, or where they came from, but they were there alright. And I didn’t want them.
She looked at me, patient and kind as usual, and she said, “You have nothing to be concerned about. That’s not in your nature. You’re not like that.”
And with those words, my concerns vanished. I still don’t know where they came from, but that’s not really important to me, so I don’t spend time thinking about it.
Kei and another friend, Audrey, have been so, so angry with the lion. They have called him all sorts of names. They’ve wished ill on him, and talked about what they would do to him if they saw him again.
I don’t agree or support a lot of what they say, but it takes an enormous burden off of my shoulders. Those who have been abused are supposed to hate or feel anger toward the perpetrator. Or at least, that’s the vibe I’ve gotten from a variety of settings. It’s a normal feeling to have; it’s always on those lists of ‘common reactions‘, but it’s not my feeling.
For me, being angry takes up too much valuable energy. I tend to just be sad and reminiscent. (I have no idea how others feel.)
And plus, I have at least two friends who have taken on that burden for me. They’ve got my back. They express anger. And I have felt loved and protected so many times because of it. Maybe it sounds weird, but it works for me.
I’m not angry, and I don’t hate him. But I also don’t have the need to be angry; I don’t have the need to hate him. I don’t have the energy. (I’m too busy analyzing my surroundings, watching people, and having my guard up.) More importantly, I have had reliable friends who have taken that burden from me. And I never even needed to ask.
My job is healing and protecting myself and other vulnerable people, not hating him.