Toward the end of July, just before his birthday (also about a week before we broke up the first time) when the tension was really building up, I emailed both of my sisters and a friend I’ve known most of my life to try to open up to them about what was going on, and what I’d recently ‘learned’ about myself. We’d been together about nine months at this point.
Here is part of the email I sent:
Basically, I’ve been doing things for a long time that are convenient for me, and disregard how that may affect others. I’ve done a lot of things that have hurt [the lion], because I always put myself first. From the little things to the big things. I know how to protect myself, but I don’t know how to protect others.
I want to be like Scrooge on Xmas morning. I want to put him first – that’s what he’s been doing for me. I may grumble about him, but that’s the Japanese in me that’s talking. He’s actually been doing his best to help me grow up and become a better person, even though I’ve resisted a lot. And I’ve hurt him a lot. I hurt him today. He’s probably one of the most genuine people out there, and he cares about everything. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me in a really long time or perhaps ever, and I don’t want to waste the chance to keep him because I continue to think only about myself.
The damage is done and it is already too late, but I still want to try. I’ve been losing him from the start because I’ve been putting myself first. I have been causing him a lot of damage, and I still did that today.
I didn’t know that I’m not compassionate; I didn’t know that I was shallow; I didn’t know that I was self-centred. It’s finally starting to sink in, and this has to cause drastic changes very fast or I’ll lose him and any hope of becoming kind in the real sense. It’s a deep-rooted problem because I still often don’t see what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been denying it for 9 months, and even now that I can see it better, it’s still after the damage has been done (and he needs to help me see this damage – all the time).
I need help to be on track. To make sure I’m honest, and that I’m putting him first. To make sure I put myself in his position to see what he’s seeing and what he’s thinking so that I can stop adding to his stress, stop lying, and stop hurting him.
But it’s too late and I’ve done a lot of damage. He always cleans up after me, and takes the cut. And he’s tired of putting up with it for 9 months.
Theoretically it was possible to stay happy with him, but if I can’t do anything but seek attention from everyone, then it would never work.
I didn’t receive any email responses.